Thursday, January 14, 2010

I have a confession...

I know it's technically Thursday, but bear with me as I've not gotten to bed yet.

Here's my confession:

I cried. Just now. As I was checking Mckmama's latest post.

See it reminded me of this:




That's me and my baby sister when I was about 3 and she was about a year. See, she passed not long after her first birthday, and since I was three, I obviously didn't really get a chance to know her. (Clarification: I still do have a younger sister, who is currently 7.) The reason I cried at Mckmama's post tonight is because I never really did get a chance to know her, and my parents will always wonder what she may have been. She was not a normal child, she never cried, was on oxygen, never walked or crawled, and had a feeding tube. The doctors never figured out what her condition was exactly, but it was a rough patch of pneumonia that eventually did her in. My parents always told me that I would never allow them to photograph her alone, unless I wasn't home or was sleeping. I loved that little girl. I don't care if I don't remember, I know I loved her with all my heart, because she was the first sister God ever gave me, and that will always make her special. So tonight, I'm sitting here, at my grandparents house, alone in my room, silently sobbing, because I wish I had gotten a chance to really know her, or even to know enough about the situation at the time to have said my goodbyes and tell her how I feel about her now. And I feel guilty, for all the times I have shoved my 7 year old little sister aside in my lifetime, when I was being selfish or moody, because maybe someday before I go, God will take her too, and I won't have cherished the moments of growing up with her when I missed the chance the first time around. And I feel even worse that now I don't have that opportunity since I don't live with my family anymore.

I've lost quite a few special people in my lifetime. I know God wanted my sister in heaven with him, and that made her special, but sometimes I just wish we could have gotten a chance to know her better, to really get to enjoy her before it was over.

ok... that was obviously a heavy post, but I needed to write it. I'll be lighter tomorrow, promise.

For now, night.

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