News Flash: I think I'm beautiful. Inside. Outside. Completely gorgeous in every facet of the word.
You do too? Oh, you don't. Now that doesn't really surprise me because not many do either. Or at least it seems that way... and it's taken me a while to be able to admit it out loud.
In fact, it's taken me a while to finally come up with the courage to break this topic out and blog about something that happened last week that really upset me and depressed me. But I'm going to tell you (if there is a you...) because I need to get it out.
Last week I went to the gym with my brothers and one of their friends and while they played a couple rounds of 21 (a type of pick-up basketball game) I worked out. Simple enough. No harm done, and we even had some fun on the basketball court before we called it a night. All in all I would say that I had a fun time. Then came the ride home... where, as it was me and 3 immature boys, the topic of discussion on the 30 minute ride home became girls.
"Oh, so and so is so hot! BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!" said one of my older brothers of a girl who I am friends with/have known my whole life. Now, yes, this girl is pretty, but I would never say she's knock-down drag-out gorgeous. Hot is not the word I would use to describe her. Partly because she is quite lacking in the personality department, but also because she just isn't the most gorgeous girl in the world, even when her face is plastered with the best make up. I love her to death, she's a good friend, but like I said, on a list of adjectives to describe her I wouldn't say hot is one of them.
So, of course, I open my mouth to refute the statement. "Well, she's pretty, but she's not what I would call hot..." This opened my world to statements about what exactly made her hot, which basically consisted of "her body" "her body" and you guessed it! "her body."
The rest of the ride I sat there in silence and disappointment to realize that this really is all that matters to guys, including those that I had thought were respectable and completely different than your average guy. I guess I was wrong, and this hurt me.
When we finally got home I got to talking to my dad about this, as he usually sides with me on matters such as this. But that night was different for he seemed to think differently than I did. Which is fine, my dad and I will not always see eye to eye about absolutely everything, but for this, I thought he would agree that it was pretty disappointing that all they were concerned about was this girl's body. He didn't. His excuse: "boys will be boys."
As true as that may be, I didn't think it was any kind of excuse at all. So I went to bed that night thinking that maybe this is why I've never had a boyfriend. Maybe this is why guys don't care about me, don't like me, don't seem to be attracted to me at all. It made sense, yeah, I'm awesome, I know that, you don't have to comment on this post and tell me that I'm a great person, because I know that. But all that talk had me thinking that maybe being awesome wasn't enough. Maybe I need to be a size 0 to get a guy, maybe I need to be smaller, have no stretch marks, no cellulite, get some plastic surgery, who knows? Maybe being averagely pretty and having an average sized body with a great personality isn't good enough, maybe I need to dress like a slut, push up bras, low cut shirts, stomach exposed...
And then reality struck me... for what? at what cost? why? I know I'm beautiful. I know I will never be a size 0. I know I don't need to dress like a cheap hooker. I know this because I'm worth a lot more than that. I'm worthy of respect, genuine interest, and love. I AM WORTH IT. If guys don't see that, then it's their loss... I may go the rest of my life single, I may never get a first real kiss. I may die alone, but I don't care about that. I care about being respected. All that matters to me is that I die knowing I never settled for less, I never lost respect, and I never got less than I deserved. If I die surrounded by friends and family who love me, then that's fine with me. At least I'll know my time here was not wasted. So here's my confession.
Confession of a College Student: I was depressed last week. I felt inadequate. I felt repulsive, ugly, and fat. I felt as though I would never find love. But then I was okay with myself because at a size 7 with all natural DD breasts, a curvy backside, and a little extra around my middle, I know I'm beautiful and some day someone will love me just the way I am. And because of that I'm not afraid to confess that I'm not looking for just some fling, I'm looking for real, true love, and the man I will spend the rest of my life with. I don't care if that makes me old fashioned, I'm not looking to waste my time with a guy who will leave me in 3 months. I want a husband, after I graduate college, and not directly after. I'm looking for someone real, someone amazing, and someone who will appreciate me for me, and if that's not out there then God doesn't want it for me. But I am fine with ME. I am amazing. Just the way I am. As seen below. =)
Peace, ♥ , and happiness! =)