Tuesday, January 4, 2011

I Don't Like to Feel Like I'm Better Than You, or Anyone else...

But sometimes it almost feels inevitable. Like I'm born to judge, born to feel superior. I hate it, but at the same time I love it. It's one of those human things. I also feel like it's more normal in women/ girls in specific.

It happens every day. I see a girl walk by and I compare myself to her. I think about all the things she lacks in comparison to me, and all the things I lack in comparison to her. More often than not, as egocentrism would have it, I win the battle, the battle in my head of course.

Whether she's skinnier, got prettier longer hair, looks more put together, is more fashionable, or taller, I always seem to find more things that she lacks than I. It's sad, annoying, and sinful. I shouldn't be doing it, but it seems to be something that happens in my subconscious.

Of course there are things that make me a better person than others, but there are also many many things that make me a worse person in comparison to a lot of others as well. I'll hit you with an example.

My brother E's "girlfriend" (if that's what you want to call her, although it's a weird confusing situation that he has not disclosed many details of...) came over to our house for a bit yesterday and as if I didn't like her enough already, yesterday made me like her even less. We went up to a basketball game for my younger brother at his elementary school and the secretary (someone my mom knows quite well as this is a small town we live in) was there. She immediately saw the girl with my brother and asked if she was his new girlfriend because as it turned out, last she knew, this 18 year old girl was dating her 24 year old nephew. Also a friend of my younger brother's warned him that his older brother broke up with her because she was cheating on him. Words were tossed around, names were mentioned. The long and short of it was, we found out who she really was, and that she'd been using my brother and his fresh out of boot camp salary to get herself an iPhone 4, some new boots, and fun out on the town.

When we got back to my house I noticed her outfit. Although I liked her jacket, which was a short length button up dressy black coat, the rest was sort of a "what were you thinking" ensemble. She was wearing brown cable knit tights with a grey pencil skirt and a white top. On top of all of that she was wearing her "new boots" bought by my brother. These boots would/could have been acceptable in the late 90s early 2000s as they were a mix of patent leather and suede with a six inch stiletto heel and numerous buckles and straps all over them. When asked how she could walk in them she said "oh it's easy" but she was doing the waddle. (No, not the pregnancy waddle...) The "I-can't-walk-in-heels waddle" and she stood with one leg crossed over the other due to her inability to balance.

I couldn't think of anything but what a terrible person she was for dragging my brother around blind while cheating on her boyfriend with him (he had no clue) making him spend hundreds of dollars on her, and coming over to my house multiple times for dinner. But it wasn't just that. I also couldn't stop judging her based on her monstrosity of an outfit. And then I stopped myself. And I re-assessed the situation. Yes. She was a terrible person for what she did to my brother and the other men in her life. No she didn't have common fashion sense. But did that mean I was in any position to judge her? No. It in no way gave me any right at all to judge her for who I thought was.

Confession of a College Student: I'm not perfect, no one is. I judge people way too much and I need to stop. Maybe it makes me feel validated, I don't know. But I need to stop. And it's something I'm working on. Wish me luck.

Peace, ♥ , and happiness! =)

1 comment:

  1. I think learning to not judge is something we all struggle with. We've always been told not to "judge a book by it's cover," but it's much easier said than done. Serious props to you for looking past her faults and trying not to judge her on the not-too-awesome side you saw of her though, that's more than I can manage to do most of the time! :)