Saturday, September 24, 2011

Lately I've Been Dreaming, So What's The Point of Sleeping?

Well, alas, I am back. And I think I'm ready to tell you all a story. A story about a boy. Or a guy. Or whatever you wish to call him. And a story about a girl with a broken heart. And a story about remembering the importance of not relying on other people to determine your value. Slight warning: This is a long story, it's not something that is easy for me to share, but I feel as though I need to share it for my readers to understand what I've gone through recently.

It started back in April. I met a guy while at a salsa club that my friends and I often find ourselves at when there's nothing to do on a Friday night and we're looking to have some fun.

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We went out looking for some fun with each other, some laughs, and a good start to a long weekend. What happened that night was the beginning of something I could never have began to imagine could happen to me. It was like magic. I met a someone that night, a guy. He took the time to teach me how to properly salsa with a partner, and we spent the entire night dancing with each other. We had so much fun together and he was really making it an enjoyable night for me.

For the first time ever, we were all having such a good time that we didn't leave until the club closed down at 2 am. It was very unlike us. Said guy and I (we'll call him D) parted ways with a hug, and I figured that would be the end, as it so often is in these situations. But lo and behold, he made a point to catch up with me and my friends as we walked down the street to stop and ask for my number. Now, to be honest, I don't normally give out my number to anyone at all, but for some reason, I had a strange feeling that I would not regret it.

I awoke the next morning to the following text message:
"Good morning Abby! This is D, we danced together last night. I just want to thank you for the wonderful night. I really enjoyed dancing with you and I hope I can dance with you again! Have a beautiful day! :)"

I had a feeling I might be in for something special. We met up again a couple more times at the same club so we could get a better idea of whether we actually wanted to spend time together, and during the last two weeks of school, we went on quite a few dates. Long story short, I felt like I was in a movie. And while every girl may say that, it really did feel like that for me. He was as close to perfect as someone could get.

Once the end of school came, I was sad to leave, because we had both felt as though we might have the potential to become something serious. But we agreed we would stay in touch, and if nothing changed, when I arrived back in Boston from California in September, we would give it a try. I didn't inform anyone in my family except my grandmother about D because I wasn't sure it was serious, or would become serious, and I figured I would wait until I had a better idea of what this was before I said anything.

Needless to say, my plans changed. And I came back in June. Immediately we made plans to reconnect, and it was amazing. It was as though there had never been any separation at all. It felt like we were exactly where we had left off and I had never left at all. He wrapped me in the biggest hug imaginable and didn't let go. It felt indescribable. [Disclaimer: I have often been asked if I came back here early because of him, and that is not the truth. I came back because I needed a more solid work situation, and I could not get that in California. End of story.]

We proceeded to see each other a few times throughout the summer, basically every time that I was in Boston, we connected, even if only for an hour. I began to feel as though what we had was real, and we might have a chance at making it work. So I jumped at the chance to come back to school early for training, not only to have the opportunity to learn things that would be helpful in being a student leader, but also to spend some more time with him while I could before school got in the way.

We had a great week together. All we did was simply spend time together and just enjoy our happiness that this might finally work. Or at least that's what I did. But approximately three weeks ago, once my friends arrived here, D stopped answering my text messages and calls. Simultaneously, a lot of family issues arose for me, and a lot was dumped on me to deal with. Also, I was in a confrontation with a friend of mine, and it was not easy for me to deal with. That's when I realized that I loved him.

To clarify, I am not now, nor will I ever say that I am/was in love with D, because I'm not. But I do love him. That is true now, but may not be later. And I'll tell you how I know I love him. One night, when my mom had just finished unloading the latest series of problems to rock my family on me, I broke into severe sobs. In that very moment, I didn't want to talk to my friends, my mom, my grandma, my deceased grandfather, or any of the other people I always need when I feel like things are too much to handle. All I wanted was D. I wanted to call him and have him answer the phone and rush over to hold me and tell me it was all going to be okay. I wanted him. And that's when I knew I loved him.

During the time that all of this was happening (roughly a week and a half ago,) I was feeling extremely invisible, invaluable, and alone. As a young kid I never had many friends, or people to value me outside my family. In my eyes, my family has to love me and be there for me, because they're my family. They have no choice. And because I view my friends as an extension of my family I feel the same of them. They have to love me because they are a part of my family. So if I didn't have that one person outside of my family to value me (once I had been given a taste of what that was like...) I felt like I was unimportant. That all goes back a long way, but it's for a good reason why I feel this way.

Needless to say, in the past three weeks there have been plenty of nights when I cried myself to sleep, plenty of tears shed, and plenty of feelings of loneliness, unimportance, and heartbreak. However, I have decided to move on from those feelings, because even though we had technically been "seeing each other" for nearly 6 months (that seems so long, but it went by so fast.) I have realized that nobody determines my value except for me. I am in charge of my own happiness. I am angry at D. I don't understand what made him suddenly stop responding to me. I don't understand why he doesn't want me anymore. But I do know that in 5 years this won't matter, and I will be happy either on my own or with someone else. Someday, I won't want him anymore. I won't let his fickle mind make me feel like less, or not good enough. I am me, I am beautiful, and I am proud of who I am. And any man who doesn't like it, is not good enough for me to waste my time on.

To say that this was a learning experience is an understatement if I've ever heard one. The only thing that still makes me upset beyond missing him and not being able to be with him, is that I never told my family. I also feel the guilt of hiding this from my mom. I am happy with my decision not to share simply because it never did end up being anything serious, and therefore I feel as though it was not worth sharing, but I do feel guilty that I couldn't speak up to my mom. She would never have shared all that my family has faced if she had known that I was dealing with this.

So goodbye D. You gave me good times. But you were also an extreme douche bag. You took my feelings and stomped on them. And boy were you good looking... (I would post a picture of the two of us, but I'm not looking to violate his privacy...)

PS- Thank you to Hannah for her lovely comment on my post about taking a break from blogging! I really appreciate your kind words and they definitely helped me make it through! :)

Peace, ♥, and happiness! :)



2 comments:

  1. Wow...boys.

    All I could think of when reading this is that old Rascal Flatts song, Bless the Broken Road--as cliche-y as that sounds. We just have to keep up the hope that the so-not-Prince Charmings are just making us even better women and future wives for THE Prince Charming when he does come along.

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  2. I could not agree more Hannah. I'm not letting this one guy ruin my thoughts about guys in general, but it definitely is discouraging. I'm trying to find the silver lining, and I'm growing stronger because of it every day :)

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