Thursday, November 24, 2011

Beyond Thankful.

On this day of giving thanks, I am so very thankful for so many things. If I took the time to list them all I could be here for a really long time. So I'll keep it simple.

I'm thankful for my family, who will always be there for me no matter what.

I'm thankful for my friends who keep me sane, and keep me grounded, constantly reminding me of who I am.

I'm thankful for all the opportunities I've been given in this life.

And mostly, I'm thankful to be alive and well, on this, a day of giving thanks.

Let's all pause more often to remember what we're thankful for.

Peace, ♥, and happiness. :)

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Leaving the City is Never Easy.

It's almost Thanksgiving! And I have to say, that a house filled with 13 people is going to be very interesting.

I will admit that I was not originally stoked to come home, and I still kind of wish I wasn't here. It's not that I don't enjoy being with my family, it's just that I don't enjoy being in this state, in this house, in this town. There's something about it. I will never come back here for any extended length of time. It just won't happen.

I also wasn't stoked about coming here because I felt like it wouldn't help me any; although, being in Boston has proved to not exactly be what one would normally call helpful either. (As witnessed when I ventured to my grandparents house this past weekend and felt the first amount of peace I've felt in 3 months being in the city and at school.) I guess initially, I felt like something about being here with my brother and his girlfriend wouldn't help me feel any better about my situation. (More has been added to the story that has put me in this frame of mind since the post I wrote about D, that has not exactly helped me to move on.)

But ever since I got here last night, I've felt even more at peace than I did this past weekend. I mean, I still think of him, I still miss him, but I don't feel him around me everywhere I go like I did when I was travelling through South Station yesterday. I feel like I've finally gotten away from whatever it was about him that was trying to hold me back. That doesn't mean that it's not going to continuously be a struggle to move forward, but it does mean that I am feeling significantly better, and less sucky. And for once, I'm not lying to myself about that. I'm being completely honest with myself. It's something new I've decided to try.

I still feel like crying tonight while I write this (only refraining of course because my family does not know about my situation, or even that D ever existed.) but I feel more like crying because I'm getting there finally. I feel like crying because I'm happy to be somewhere that I feel he can't reach me. I feel like crying because this is the first time that I've felt happy away from the Latin club. (Which has, as of late, been the only place I can get close to feeling like myself again.)

I'm sick of seeing this sad, mopey, frustrated, tired girl around. I'm tired of feeling locked up. I'm ready to see a happy, vibrant, loving, free girl, much like the one I am deep inside. And I have a feeling that she might be making her way to the surface again.

So it's never easy leaving the city. But sometimes it's necessary to feel better, move forward and be yourself again.

I'm beginning to be thankful for that.

Peace, ♥, and happiness. :)

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Difficult.

It's hard to try to find yourself again after you were so sure of who you were. It's even more difficult when you still know that you are the person you always knew and thought you were, yet you can't seem to get back to it. It's difficult to have to try to make it through every day, when it used to be that you were trying to get through a month. It's difficult to feel like you don't want other people to worry about you, but that's all they seem to be doing.

It's difficult to want to move on, be yourself again, be happy, and feel okay again when you're ready to do so, but for some reason there's some force that won't allow you to. It's difficult to wonder when you're going to get better when that's all you want to do. It's difficult to care about someone when you don't want to. It's difficult to wonder about things.

It's difficult to make it through a day without wanting to cry. It's difficult to lie to yourself all week and tell yourself that you are okay, and that you're almost at a point where he doesn't matter anymore when you really aren't.

All these things are difficult. But what makes them easier is knowing that your friends stand behind you 100% and are committed to seeing you happy again. What makes them easier is people who are close to being perfect strangers that are willing to be there for you, listen to your problems, and tell you that they'll be there for you always. What makes them easier is knowing that you have a support system that won't get overly upset at you when you take your crazy frustrations and feelings out on them, but instead embrace you with a hug and tell you that it will all be okay.

What makes them easier is knowing that even though it doesn't feel like it, the clouds will part and you will be okay eventually, and that you have people there even when that's not happening.

It's difficult to deal with all of these things, unless you have people in your life that make them a little less difficult. :) And for that, I love my friends.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Confused.

I've never felt more happy with my location, and certain aspects of my life than I am right now. I'm here in Boston, having a great time, with my friends, doing interesting things. One could even argue that I've done some things I care about. That said, I've never cared less about school, schoolwork, and putting my all into everything I do academically.

If you know me in real life you know that I always give 100%. I was the kid in high school that wasn't pleased with a 99, it had to be a 100. I was always striving to do better. But now that I'm here, in my third year of college I have a lot of doubts that me continuing to give 100% really makes that much of a difference.

For example, I got the best grades I possibly could in high school and ended up at my first choice college given what I was told I could accomplish. But I didn't push beyond that. I knew Simmons was the best I could do. Now, since Simmons is the best I can do, I don't see the point (beyond keeping my scholarships) in going the extra mile because in real life practice, it hasn't really gotten me anywhere. I don't see the point in giving 100% anymore when giving 70 or 80 yields the same result.

I'll write a paper. It needs to be 3-5 pages. I'll spend 3 hours on it, make it barely 3 pages, and get an A- or a B+. Those are good grades. And in my opinion, if I had truly given 100%, it may not have made that much of a difference.
But even though I'm not giving 100%, 100% of the time, and that is okay with me in the moment, afterwards I'm angry with myself. I'm sick of not caring about anything except for the weekend to come so I can be free to have fun with my friends.

I feel so lazy, and confused about my work ethic.

I've never been like this.

That is why I am confused.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Purpose, Passion, Fear, And Fulfillment

I had a conversation with a friend tonight.

I discovered I don't have a real passion.

I talked about how that makes me feel like my life will be unfulfilling.

I also talked about how scared I am of that.

I contemplated whether not having a real passion makes you not have a purpose.

I know that this was a conversation worth having. It just was hard to face the reality of my fears, and what I know to be true, versus what I won't admit to myself is true.

This conversation partly came about after watching 13 Going on 30 Sunday night. During the scene in which Jennifer Garner is completely inspired and consumed by her re-design project for the magazine she works for, I made the remark that I didn't think I had something in my life that gave me that kind of passion to work on something. I have never felt that I wanted my life to be consumed by something like that.

The following night, in our conversation, my friend told me that she felt her passion was Victorian literature. She lives for it, and it stimulated by it. It's something that inspires her and something she's passionate about.

Another friend of mine is quite obviously passionate about being a nurse in the near future. Yet another is definitely passionate about politics, and public policy (to be specific.) They feel strongly about these things, they want to put all of their being into them (more or less.)

But for me, it's kind of funny, that even though I know Education is something I'm interested in, and I will be happy to have as a future career, it's not my passion. Teaching is not something I will love completely. It's not something I can see myself pulling a Jennifer Garner over.

I decided that if indeed I did have to name a serious passion about anything in my life, it's the people I have in my life. I care deeply about them. And that's both a blessing and a curse, because while I have you, I feel like the most fulfilled person on the planet. But once you're gone, or I lose you, the way I feel is that if I'm not something to you, what am I? If I don't have you, what do I have? Not that not having you in my life makes me worthless, but rather that I feel like I don't have much to give if I can't give to you. I don't feel fulfilled if I don't mean something to someone, or can't give something (whether it be of myself, or a material object etc.) to someone I care about, regardless of who they are.

I've always been a giver. It's just in my nature. Sure, there are times and moments when I am a selfish person who likes to take, but more than likely I will give of myself rather than take from someone else. I'm always thinking of others, how I can make them happy, how I might be able to offer them advice or something else of myself. But when I don't have another person to think about, it makes me think of myself. And I start to feel selfish, gross, and annoyed with myself.

It's quite an interesting conundrum.

These are the serious thoughts of a college junior. I hope you think about this sometimes too...