Thursday, November 17, 2011

Confused.

I've never felt more happy with my location, and certain aspects of my life than I am right now. I'm here in Boston, having a great time, with my friends, doing interesting things. One could even argue that I've done some things I care about. That said, I've never cared less about school, schoolwork, and putting my all into everything I do academically.

If you know me in real life you know that I always give 100%. I was the kid in high school that wasn't pleased with a 99, it had to be a 100. I was always striving to do better. But now that I'm here, in my third year of college I have a lot of doubts that me continuing to give 100% really makes that much of a difference.

For example, I got the best grades I possibly could in high school and ended up at my first choice college given what I was told I could accomplish. But I didn't push beyond that. I knew Simmons was the best I could do. Now, since Simmons is the best I can do, I don't see the point (beyond keeping my scholarships) in going the extra mile because in real life practice, it hasn't really gotten me anywhere. I don't see the point in giving 100% anymore when giving 70 or 80 yields the same result.

I'll write a paper. It needs to be 3-5 pages. I'll spend 3 hours on it, make it barely 3 pages, and get an A- or a B+. Those are good grades. And in my opinion, if I had truly given 100%, it may not have made that much of a difference.
But even though I'm not giving 100%, 100% of the time, and that is okay with me in the moment, afterwards I'm angry with myself. I'm sick of not caring about anything except for the weekend to come so I can be free to have fun with my friends.

I feel so lazy, and confused about my work ethic.

I've never been like this.

That is why I am confused.

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