Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Leaving the City is Never Easy.

It's almost Thanksgiving! And I have to say, that a house filled with 13 people is going to be very interesting.

I will admit that I was not originally stoked to come home, and I still kind of wish I wasn't here. It's not that I don't enjoy being with my family, it's just that I don't enjoy being in this state, in this house, in this town. There's something about it. I will never come back here for any extended length of time. It just won't happen.

I also wasn't stoked about coming here because I felt like it wouldn't help me any; although, being in Boston has proved to not exactly be what one would normally call helpful either. (As witnessed when I ventured to my grandparents house this past weekend and felt the first amount of peace I've felt in 3 months being in the city and at school.) I guess initially, I felt like something about being here with my brother and his girlfriend wouldn't help me feel any better about my situation. (More has been added to the story that has put me in this frame of mind since the post I wrote about D, that has not exactly helped me to move on.)

But ever since I got here last night, I've felt even more at peace than I did this past weekend. I mean, I still think of him, I still miss him, but I don't feel him around me everywhere I go like I did when I was travelling through South Station yesterday. I feel like I've finally gotten away from whatever it was about him that was trying to hold me back. That doesn't mean that it's not going to continuously be a struggle to move forward, but it does mean that I am feeling significantly better, and less sucky. And for once, I'm not lying to myself about that. I'm being completely honest with myself. It's something new I've decided to try.

I still feel like crying tonight while I write this (only refraining of course because my family does not know about my situation, or even that D ever existed.) but I feel more like crying because I'm getting there finally. I feel like crying because I'm happy to be somewhere that I feel he can't reach me. I feel like crying because this is the first time that I've felt happy away from the Latin club. (Which has, as of late, been the only place I can get close to feeling like myself again.)

I'm sick of seeing this sad, mopey, frustrated, tired girl around. I'm tired of feeling locked up. I'm ready to see a happy, vibrant, loving, free girl, much like the one I am deep inside. And I have a feeling that she might be making her way to the surface again.

So it's never easy leaving the city. But sometimes it's necessary to feel better, move forward and be yourself again.

I'm beginning to be thankful for that.

Peace, ♥, and happiness. :)

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